Jacey Verdicchio - A Children's Author

Haven’t we all learned that we can’t change anyone else?  But how much energy do we drain trying?  Whether it’s a spouse, a friend, a boss, or even a stranger that cuts us off in traffic, many of us constantly point out how everyone around us should change.

Why is it so frustrating and so futile to try to change other people?  Often we want people to change for our benefit and our purpose, not necessarily for their greater interest.  The only way people change is when they want to change, not because you want them to change.  Even small, incremental changes are uncomfortable and even painful, so people need their own reasons and motivation to change.  Otherwise it will never stick.  Even when we do have a selfless interest in helping someone change, they won’t follow through unless they have a reason within themselves.

It has been my experience that the more passionately and aggressively you try to change someone’s mind, the more they dig in their heels and defend their position.  Once she begins to passionately and aggressively maintain her position, it becomes more and more embarrassing to change her mind.  I love this quote from Dale Carnegie’s book, How to Win Friends and Influence People: “When dealing with people, remember you are not dealing with creatures of logic, but with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudice, and motivated by pride and vanity.”  We protect our pride with an absolute disregard for logic at times, and though admitting error is a noble and admirable sign of maturity, most of us will defy logic without restraint before we sacrifice our pride.

The secret to victory is to forfeit.  Admit that you were most likely mistaken.  Even if the other person does admit defeat after a heated discussion, you’ve still lost because you’ve embarrassed her and hurt her pride.  She admits it begrudgingly, and good luck if the matter you “settled” requires her participation because she will be dragging her feet the entire way, completely soured by the process.

You never lose anything by giving people the benefit of the doubt, by admitting that you may be wrong, and often are.  This approach gives them the opportunity to agree with you without sacrificing their pride.  Even if she doesn’t change her mind, you still have a more harmonious disagreement in which both parties can save face.

These situations come up all the time for us.  Sometimes cashiers give us the wrong change.  Sometimes waiters forget to bring a requested item.  Sometimes our spouses take the wrong route against our advice.  Sometimes our siblings borrow our clothes without permission.  We have a choice when we respond to these various “offenders.”

What if instead of saying, “You forgot the extra pickles for my sandwich,” you said, “Excuse me, Lisa, I probably forgot to ask, but would it be possible to get a few extra pickles?”  Using her first name in conjunction with this response means she will probably bring you the entire jar of pickles.

What if instead of saying, “Honey, I told you we should have taken the other freeway,” you said, “I completely understand why you chose this route.  I probably would have done the same thing given the circumstances.  Don’t worry about it.  We’ll get there when we get there!”  Your spouse will likely value your insight on the next trip, and in the meantime you can still enjoy a pleasant car ride.

You are the common denominator in every interaction you have.  Are you doing your part to have positive outcomes in these interactions?  Are you living the way you think everyone else should?  Are you holding yourself to the same standards you expect from your kids, spouse, and other people close to you?  It’s amazing, especially in our families and households, how much change you can inspire just by changing yourself and not saying a word to anyone.  Just recently I undertook a new exercise regimen.  It wasn’t a goal of mine to encourage Mike to exercise more.  It was simply something I chose to do because I wanted to.  Soon after I began, Mike commented on how inspired he was to exercise, simply because he was watching me do it.  If I had been nagging him about exercising, he would have been unmotivated and would have felt bad about himself.  Criticism never inspires change.  It just instills bitterness and low self esteem.  A good example, on the other hand, can be the X factor in helping others want to change.

There are two great motivators: fear and love.  God motivates change out of love.  The end of Romans 2:4 says that it is the goodness of God that leads a man to repentance, or a change of heart.  We can choose to imitate God and love people, see the best in them, and inspire change by our belief in them and our example.